Blah Blah Blah

All I can say ...

2009-02-12T00:22:00.000-05:00

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything...

- David Crowder, "All I Can Say"

New Baby

2008-12-01T16:52:00.008-05:00

I want to love her
I can see her precious face now
So trusting
Reaching out to me, a stranger
With no trace of anxiety
The moment she sees me, she smiles
So young
Yet wiser than the hills themselves
Knowing in her tiny heart
That I could never resist
Knowing that I would not only want to
But need to
Love her

Sister of mine
With your baby smells and sounds
Your round tummy
And rosebud mouth
You clutch my pinky finger
On your clumsy descent down the stairs
The same way I used to clutch hers
So many years ago
My big sister
My little sister
Karma?
One wonders.

What do you do...

2008-04-12T18:38:00.003-04:00

...when your heart is full but you have no one to share it with?

Can't lose what you never had ...

2007-12-04T23:38:00.002-05:00

I don't care if you think I'm crazy
Doesn't matter if it turns out bad
Cause I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had

Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keeping it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away baby that's OK
At least we'll have a moment before you say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had

-Westlife

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

-Jim Eliot

Funny (and embarassing) moments for doctors

2007-11-21T08:02:00.000-05:00

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

-from bubblejive.com

Alone.

2007-10-08T19:31:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I wake up and I do not know why I am here.

Not in a "Why am I alive? What is my life's purpose?" existential crisis sort of way, but a simple - wait "Why am I in New York? Medical school? What medical school? Whose bed is this I'm sleeping in?!" sort of way.

Yeah, its bad.

And what's even worse, in the middle of conversations, with my new "friends" here, I find myself asking -- "Who are you people and why... am I talking to you right now?"

I never say that out loud of course. Of course not!

But on the inside, deep down in my secret hidden places, I wonder where my real friends are and I mourn their loss. Because yet again, in the nightmare that perpetually hums in the backdrop of my hustle-bustle life, I'm surrounded, yet alone; hemmed in behind and before, by strangers who know nothing of me.

Day 21

2007-07-21T13:03:00.000-04:00

And so I never made it to chapter 21. Does that make me a loser? Maybe. Does that mean God loves me any less. NO.

And so today, four months later, I have read John 21, the conclusion of his account of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. And I am quite glad I did. The last verse sums it up quite nicely:

"And there are also many other things that Jesus did, which if they were written one by one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that would be written. Amen."
-John 21:25

Amen indeed...

No matter...

2007-05-13T22:26:00.003-04:00

...who I think you are, or who you will eventually turn out to be, or how much you will eventually come to mean to me, there are places within me that only God can ever touch. And praise music reminds me of that. Even in the midst of all my confusion, doubt and anger. Dear Lord, more than anything, thank you for the music.

One good year

2007-04-20T04:02:00.000-04:00

As I sit here listening to tomorrow's (no wait, its 4am -- TODAY's) set list, a barrage of emotions flood my heart. Tonight I will sing my last RUF set EVER. Although I've been on praise team for only one year, I have come so far since I first began that it seems like forever. Through praise team, I have found an place in which my excitement about singing God's praises is not only shared, but nurtured. I feel comfortable clapping my hands in delight as we pick out songs for the next month (or jumping up and down wildly if the song happens to be King of Grace or Mighty to Save or Hail to the King or ... or ...). It is a safe place. A place where I can be me - even the bad parts of me - knowing that my brothers and sisters just as messed up as I am, but also that they love God and want to sing His praises just as much as I do. In this praise band it is not about who is the better vocalist, or guitar player or violin player (Phil we miss you!) but it is about Jesus, and how beautiful He is and how we can best show that beauty to the world.

So as I am 13 hours away from my last praise team practice here at Brown, I pray that it will not in fact be my last praise team practice ever. I have grown so much out of this experience - learning to use music as a means of plugging into Jesus, mind, body, heart and soul. There is no other time when my smile comes from a deeper place than when I sing of His goodness and of His love for me. I had many doubts about coming to praise team in the beginning - I was sure I wasn't good enough and I could have (and still can) point out a million things in my life that just were not right. But it was something that I knew God had been calling me to for a long time, over and over. I'm glad He never stopped calling.

RUF Ryderz -- It has been an amazing journey and there is no other group of people that I would rather have shared it with than you all. Praise team has seen my laughter and my tears, shared my joys and my sorrows. All of you, individually and together as a unit, threw me a lifeline in giving me a way of connecting to my Savior in those times when words alone cannot suffice.

God bless you all - seniors, live it up! God has beauty and rich promises in store for you all (Always remember Jeremiah 29:11). Jason - be a leader after God's own heart, let Him use you, be strong, faithful and courageous and always get back up after you fall. Underclassmen, I will miss you sooo sooo much (Karrrrrllll!!) Grow together, make this team stronger, united in our love for Him.

Let the band play on ...

Find a noun

2007-04-19T18:33:00.000-04:00

Lacking ...
Seeking ...
"Add a noun to that," he says
I don't know what the noun is!
or I'd go out and find it.

"That's deep," - is his reply

Deep
chilling emptiness,
a yawning hole shaped just-so.
Just-so that everything I try to use to fill it leaves gaps around the edges
just-so that the chill always seeps through
eventually

It is an emptiness that negates
every morsel of joy it encounters
Souring it
Like the bacteria
that causes my milk to curdle.

It leaves me physically ill
Physically missing something
A part of me
Dis-
connected

The only available offense is to
retreat
to the dark
and the warmth.
Ushered by a lullaby
into a womb-like comfort
where words are superfluous
and nouns
are history.

Day 18/19/20

2007-03-31T11:23:00.000-04:00

Soo needless to say I've been in a funk for the past couple of days. I actually seriously considered giving this whole thing up last night but somehow sitting here now I just decided to keep going with it, as fake as it may be at this point. Fake, not because I don't believe that there is value in the idea of the challenge but fake because I feel like I haven't really done the challenege even if I do drag myself through today and tomorrow. Sure, its a start but of course, being the perfectionist that I am I can never be satisfied with that, now can I?

Its also funny how so much of this funk has come out of my "success" in the med school application process. I have to keep reminding myself that I've done well for myself, but at time the stench of unfairness that surrounds international student issues just gets to me. Its like in my choosing a med school now I have to be thinking more than ten years down the road at fellowship opportunities and how soon I can return home, the only place I've ever belonged. This over $100K debt just does not look good to me and once again it comes down to my biggest fear - that my father will not approve. That he will rub it in my face about how much more trouble this US education is. And I agree - it is alot more trouble than I could have ever imagined at the outset. And sometimes its hard to see through that and think that God meant for it to be this way. Sometimes its just hard to see His hand holding me. Because it seems like I have to make all the decisions and I don't want to. I want Him to tell me what's right, and tell me clearly so that when I do whatever that is - I can be confident that I am where He wants me to be. Now I know that I can never walk so wide as to be out of His good will for me. But I just want to be close. That closeness is what I've wanted for so long, what I had hoped to get out of this spring break. Instead the only thing I can safely say I got out of spring break is sleep. I haven't gotten any work done, and I haven't gotten to my apple orchard. And the thought of that frustrates me.

Day 17

2007-03-28T10:48:00.000-04:00

equals John 17 ...

Day 16

2007-03-28T02:43:00.000-04:00

Saw III and Margaritas night part deux. I must say it went alot better this time. So much better that I can come home afterwards at 3am and actually read John 16. Thank God for take-twos...

Day 15

2007-03-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Its funny how the more time I actually have on my hands, the less of it I seem inclined to want to give to God. Its been a long day, yes but nothing compared to others He's brought me through.

I hope I'm not doing this half-heartedly - John 15.

Day 13/14

2007-03-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

So my excuse this time is that I've been sick. Not a valid excuse really, but alot better than others that I've been known to come up with. I can see how this spring break week, this lack of routine, may make it even worse than when my schedule is jam packed. I sincerely hope it doesn't though, Becuase this is my orchard time, this is my time to just be. And according to Steve's message on Friday, this is my time to be like Mary and simply sit at Jesus' feet.

John 13 and 14, ladies and gentlemen...

Day 11/12

2007-03-23T17:17:00.000-04:00

And yet another lapse -- this time due to sickness. My body protesting the numerous evils I inflict upon it. It always just seems to know when it can afford to be sick. Like now - SPRING BREAK - for whatever thats worth. But yeah, I still feel pretty terrible but I'm hopeful. Hopeful about how much work I'll be able to get done this break, even though past experience suggests that thats not too much...

Aand - John 11 + 12!

Day 10

2007-03-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

So, sometime after my entry last night my detective skills kicked in and I made a discovery that I'd been trying to make since last semester and then had given up on. Chalk it up to the wonders of facebook.com and this girl in my spanish class -- but yes, he now has a name -- the initials are E.C. And since then I've been going through my usual rigmarole of reading everything I can, doing the whole add to AIM routine and all the works. But truly this time I'm doing it half-heartedly. Maybe the repeated failures of this method are finally getting through to my hardened brain, or maybe God has just finally gotten through to my hardened heart. But whatever it is, I just pray that he will never be elevated to the level that some others were, and that I'll keep in mind that the chances of me ever even speaking to him in the two months remaining before graduation are next to zero... and maybe I should leave them that way.

Spring break is coming. And I had had every intention for it to be a sacred time - just me and my orchard. But with the growing backlog of work that I have, this seems less and less likely every day. So far three outstanding CH40 lab reports, financial aid applications and a thesis that is yet to be started. *sigh* Maybe I should just hope for one sacred day out of the week o algo así ...

John 10, anyone?

Day 9

2007-03-21T02:53:00.000-04:00

So tired. So so tired. And I don't think I've ever been this behind in school before. And I don't think I've ever cared less. Enough said on that subject. Moving right on to John 9 ...

Day 7/8

2007-03-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

Y'know - lapses willl be what they will. And they tend to come in groups i.e. when I fall, I fall hard. Lord help me finish this thing pleeeeassse! Right now I don't think I'm handling life very weel, deadlines are just sort of floating around in my head but all I want to do is have some time to rest. Today I basically gave up on my thesis research -- there's just no way I'll ever get any results on that project and I stil can't convince myself that that's only because my project sucks. Maybe it is just me. Everytime I think about my current lab, I shudder to think about me wanting to do a PhD. Jeez - wouldn't that be a terrible time. But Gary K. Owens and his compadres have just simpy stolen my heart. But I need to detach from that if I'm ever going to make a decent decision b/c everytime I think about the people I've met there in C-ville, my heart just melts. I need to keep it together here - keep it together.

And I wish my sister would help out at least a little bit. I don't know what's going on with her, but she coud at least attempt to be a litte less detached aunha? I dont know man -- I don't feel good about ... anything. Okay I'm going to go read John 7/8 and try to get back on track with at least one thing in my life.

bahhhh ...

Day 6/7

2007-03-18T20:07:00.000-04:00

So if its not already blatantly obvious, let me say it - my first lapse has occurred. Its weird how the very reason for this lapse is indicative of one of the major struggles I have been having over the past year or so - reconciling (or not reconciling) the party me with the church me. Last night was my last night in Charlottesville (maybe permanently, maybe only for a while) and lets just say I made the best of it. Hanging out with the first year MSTPs was alot of fun - not gonna lie. But then you know, after a point you come home drunk and laugh yourself to sleep and the next morning you wake up and ask - for what?

So yes, Charlottesville is dope, and I can see that this decision making process is going to be really difficult. So far I have held off telling Daddy about what the options are just because I really want this to be my decision and God's. At this point I'm not even sure what that means anymore since I still feel, even more so, like a chameleon. This was my opporutnity to make my first impression in C-ville, and make it I did. I just now don't know if I want to live up to the image I created last night for the next eight or so years. In fact I know I don't want to.

So now I'm back in Providence having gotten no work done this past weekend and seriously backlogged and just in yet another state of not knowing and hating the feeling. I seriously feel like in my schoolwork, personal life and spiritual growth -- in everything I'm just unraveling, falling by the wayside...

I need help.

Day 5

2007-03-16T17:16:00.001-04:00

I wish I could tell for sure whether it was the voice of God that is this gentle tug on my heart towards Charlottesville and the people at UVA SOM. Its not perfect that's for sure. I mean, that lecture this morning sucked big time, I didn't really like the medical school kids. But the MSTP students are so warm and friendly and inviting that ... I don't know. I mean its not necessarily my type of environment completely -- its so lily white its not even funny. But for some reason, some reason I just can't shake the feeling that I want to come here. I've met all the program administators and they've been great (even though Templeton introduced me as Rebecca to maybe five or six people). But seriously, Dr. Bennett, Dr. Owens, Crazy Dean Kedes , Missy ... I feel like I've known these people forEVER. And the research here is absolutely kick-ass - I mean Kedes, HUSSAINI, jeez .. what is it about this place?!! Its almost causing me to rethink evrything I've ever thought I wanted to do professionally. Dr. Bennett spelled it out really clearly what my choices are and its tough and there are so many ways in which I think Charlottesvile might suck - I mean with all these white people who the heck am I going to marry?! You know, stuff like that just makes me wish that God would just scream into my ear "come to UVA!" Because then I'd be sure I was doing the right thing, and then I'd be sure I'd find someone to marry, then I'd be sure that I was doing the right thing. As it is - I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I mean Dr. Bennett brought tears to my eyes, Hussaini reminded me of my father .. I just don't get it ... I really really don't ...

*sigh*

Day 4

2007-03-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

So I am back in Charlottesvile for UVA second look weekend. I have a strange relationship with this place - on one hand I am really terrified about the length of time that doing the joint degree will take, but on the other hand the idea of actually having money during med school is quite tempting. On one hand I like C'ville - its cutesy, very colonial, seems to be perfect for the pace of life that I actually enjoy rather than the one I try to fit into which says that I have to go out all the time. On the other hand, the diversity of the population here is not exactly striking my fancy and this applies even for the group of accepted applicants (who I just came back from dinner with). It just seems like a very white middle class town to which middle class white people move to so that they can raise their kids in a "safe" place. I'm not sure that thats the type of place I want to learn medicine in. However, I've really struck a good note with the administrators of the program and I really really like Dr. Owens :-) But even in that I feel like I have misrepresented myself and my interests in order to get in. Or is it that the interests that I spoke so passionately about are actually real, just unbeknownst to me. . . Yeah, I'm really lost on that one.

Being back in the Marriott brings back not so sterile memories of my last trip to C'ville/Baltimore. I'm hoping to stay away from those and actually get some work done this weekend -- I really really need to.

Let's hope John 4 has some help for me...

Day 3

2007-03-14T23:49:00.000-04:00

John 3

... and Job 1-3

Naked I came into this world and naked I shall return. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

This makes me think, puts things into perspective about just how much I have to be grateful for. Despite the tribulations that befall, I literally came into this world with nothing. And it would serve me well to remember that more often.

Building relationships with people has become so much more important this year. I've grown closer to alot of people and I'm beginning to feel as though there are people I will truly miss when I leave here and people that will truly miss me. At least for a while.... But isn't that all that I can ask for. To have touched somebody at some point in time?

Day 2

2007-03-13T22:45:00.001-04:00

I am just tired. It would seem that this has been my cry all semester, indeed for the majority of the past four years but I think I am getting progressively less able to deal with the tiredness as tme goes by. And its not even just the mere fact of being tired - its the isolation imposed by the tiredness and the busyness. I am just so very sick of being busy. And it is affecting every area of my life - I'm too busy for my friends, too busy for my family, too busy for God. And I can't deal with that anymore. I can't deal with the alone-ness that comes along with the busyness.

No more.

And that's why I want it to be spring break already. That's why I want the summer to come. That's why I'm always looking to some point in the future when, for sure, things will be better. And I continually fool myself that they will be. Even though I already know that when the appointed time comes around there will always, always be something else to keep me busy. My state of perpetual busyness used to be something I valued, something I prided myself in - it made me feel like I was accoplishing something. And I am. Its just that now I've grown in such a way that the things I accomplish by being busy don't seem as important as those ephemeral things I could gain by just

stopping

for a moment.

Like You, Jesus. I miss You more than I miss my mother. And yet, it is You who are right here with me.

On to John 2...

*edit 11:22pm*

So I just read AF's Facebook note and I'm convinced that God led me directly to it. Right now I think I'm in a state of numbness even though while reading it I definitely teared up. There was just so much that he spoke about that I could identify with -- not the entire experience certainly, but bits and pieces of it. Crucial bits and pieces. The isolation, the depression, the dirt. He is more of a man that I could ever be (well, clearly) and I really feel honored to have known him for the time that I did. God has put something so special inside of him and now I see more clearly what I'm longing for. I'm longing for that close communion that could have been the only thing that would enable him to be as honest as he has been. Tonio, I have only the utmost respect and love for you and I know that God has plans for your life more than you could ever ask or imagine.

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God...

-Chris Tomlin, Indescribable

Day 1

2007-03-12T18:13:00.000-04:00

So here I am - in the midst of dealing with medical school decisions. There are financial aid applications to be sent off, signatures to be gotten, revisit weekends to be attended, schoolwork to be caught-up-on and gotten-ahead-in; and in all of that I just seem to have lost sight of what's truly important. My medical school decision is going to be crucial to say the least, because it will determine where I spend the next four (or eight) years of my life. Crucial because I am (though I try to deny it) at a point where I need to start thinking about the future, the possibility of a family, lining my life up with God's will. Except I don't know what God's will is. Therein lies the problem. And therein my decision to do this 21 day challenge, this challenge that is supposed to help me make a habit out of Bible reading - a abit I could certainly stand to pick up.

And You know that there's no way I'm going to make it through this challenge alone. I mean seriously - I've tried this stuff before and I usually max out in a week at most. So this one, God, is all You. Give me faith and strength; help me make it through.

These 21 days will be 21 days of the Gospel of John -- I must say one of my favorite books of the Bible. Well then, let the challenge begin!

Mama, don't cry

2007-02-04T07:36:00.000-05:00

I hate hate HATE to see my mother upset. This is such a universally acknowledged feeling among most people in the world that I don't know who can claim not to identify with it. Ever since my uncle has gotten sick I have watched her get sadder and sadder every day. I tried initially to understand what she must be feeling but I honestly couldn't. My brother and I aren't that close - to say the least. I guess if my sister had a stroke I would be pretty upset. But then she's in her twenties -- who thinks about strokes when they're in their twenties. That's right - no one.

But my mother is crying.

Crying because of the distance that cold money has brought between her and her brother over the past few years. Maybe this is why I hate the idea of being rich so much. Because the only thing I've ever seen money do to people is tear them apart. I honestly am dreading the day when I will actually have money of my own and be forced to make choices as to what to do with it. And forced to periodically acknowledge how it has changed me. I fear that that change will be for the worse. But my money-associated worries can safely be relegated to the far future; because when you don't have it you can't worry about it. I'm pretty happy being a pauper.

But my mother is crying. And when my mother cries, I cry.

I want her to be better. I want my uncle to be better too - but will that even stop the pain? So many complications in the family, so much drama. That's what I can't stand about my family - the brokenness, the drama. Its everywhere -- and Lord knows that its the one thing I dread about having a family of my own. That my children will have to live through the brokenness like I did. But then, I don't even want to make this about me.

Because my mother is crying.

And I am far away. Traveling around a foreign country interviewing for a career that will probably help me earn disgusting amounts of money - the same money that is making her cry. Slaving away for hours on bizarre biophysical, bioinorganic bullshit that is irrelevant to the people I care about and just puts more distance between myself and them.

My mother is crying and I am here - studying d-orbitals and metal ions and crystal field theory and spanish verb conjugations and Wnt proteins and Human Hepatocellular Carcinoma ...

... as if that could dry her tears.

Victory at last?

2006-12-17T00:05:00.002-05:00

So today was the day I though i had been waiting for all my life, what all my work had been aimed towards. But then it wasn't. So I'm into med school, yes? And a good one too - WashU - I loved it there, thought it would be a dream if I got in. But again I am disappointed on some deeper level. Because the ultimate satisfaction will never come from any of my worldly achievements. It always just feels like I am waiting for the next big thing. My whole life has been me waiting for the next big thing. First it was getting into college, then it was getting straight A's (still working on that one), then it was doing well on the MCAT, then it was getting into med school and now its .... I don't know - finding husband material, maybe? But it seems that none of these things ever map out into what they were supposed to be because there's always more. I got a great MCAT score but I "could" have gotten a 40. I got into WashU but it "could" have been Harvard or Yale (still working on those too). when will I learn just to be content - like Paul was?

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."
~Phillipians 4:11-12

2006-11-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I was done with building walls, an irresistable opportunity presents itself. Mr. L---.

I argue, "I have to guard my heart, I'm too easily hurt." But I know that, for me, guarding often leads to overprotection, if one can imagine such a thing. Walls so thick and all-encompassing that even if I am lost inside no one could find me, in fact they wouldn't even hear me scream...

So then, how to minimize the pain? I think there are certain realities that at this point I have to face up to - including the one that the fact that I truly care for him doesn't necessarily mean that he feels the same way about me. His words may have more meaning to me than mine do to him. Our friendship may mean more to me than it does to him. All that I try to give is not necessarily recognized, perhaps not even wanted. Then why can't I shake the feeling that he needs me? Maybe I've been inventing that need because I need to be needed...

What I do know for sure is that I've been investing way too much into this (not to mention the five hours of anguish last night which, apparently meant nothing to him). Its time to move on. And again I face conflict - what if emotional detachment at a time like this would hurt his feelings? But then, he's so used to being hurt that takes it as a given. I desperately want to show him that it doesn't have to be that way. But do I merely want to show this to him because I want to convince myself of it in the meantime? Is it that I long to heal his hurts because they are so intimately intertwined with my own? Filling his brokenness, speaking words of encouragement that I would like to hear myself, hoping that if I say them to him often enough, that if he believes them, then maybe I would learn to believe them too...

I cannot simply give up this need. What I need to do is transfer it. Transfer it to the only One who can understand my crazy, twisted mind. The only one who "sees the depth of my sin and loves me the same" How beautiful is that...

I want you, Jesus, to fill this emptiness, to make up for what I am lacking. Because you love me, and I mean more to You than I could ever imagine. Every minute of our time together is precious to You and I know that I can touch Your heart in a way that I have been unable to touch his. I want to know Your will, and I need Your grace so that I can do whatever you ask of me. I want it to be just us. Just us for now, Jesus. Make me into what I need to be. Just us...

That is my prayer tonight.

2006-11-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

I am afraid for my parents and their mortality. Too many phone calls these days have been stories of messed up knees, hurting hips, muscle strains and feet that make it painful to move from place to place. I remember when I used to be the one complaining of illness all the time – my perpetually runny nose, fevers, ear infections, asthma scares, epileptic scares – and they would be there, strong and healthy to take care of me. Its not even so much all that's been happening but the fact that I am so far away. So I can’t fix them in the ways they’ve fixed me. And it scares me that something might happen to them while I’m away – one of them, both of them. And it’s even worse now that they don’t even have each other …

2006-11-17T13:51:00.001-05:00

I put my trust in things way too easily, want too much too soon. It seems to that the sadness always hurts so much more than the happiness is able to heal. Ok, so maybe J is right and everything will work out in the end. But why do I have to wait until the end? Why can't I be happy NOW? Why do I always have to look out of misery to some point in the future that just seems to move further and further away from me. Its like saying "Oh, I'll be happy tomorrow." But then if you think about it, tomorrow never really comes.

I'd much rather talk about this than write. But then talking means involving someone else. Someone who knows enough to care but not enough to make it stop hurting. They may try, they may desperately want to make it better but they can't. Which just perpetuates the cycle of disappointment. So I write, to this empty universe. To this blog that I simultaneously hope nobody ever reads and hope the world is whispering about. I let my soul bleed through my fingers, hoping to purge it somehow.

Turnstile

2006-11-16T09:12:00.001-05:00

I was thinking this morning about how we "do" relationships. And I was doing it in that bleary wonderful place that's between sleep and wakefulness, my favorite place to be, lying in bed fully awake but simply refusing to start my day ... yet. And then the thoughts came flooding, tumbling into my unguarded mind in no particular order but demanding to be heard.

For some reason I saw it as a turnstile again. Around and around and around. But this time it was me, lying in the snow? Making angels? Going around and around. Looking for something or someone to hold on to. And I thought - what's going to determine where I stop? And then it occurred to me - my center! Of course its going to depend on where my center is. And so I asked myself - where is my center?

Is it in my heart? If it is then I'll always find something to hang on to. But since my heart is all the way up in my chest then spinning from there would leave my legs off balance, and they would keep going round and round in that circle searching for the next best thing, even while my arms try to hold on to what I already have, with all its newly discovered imperfections.

Ok, maybe my center should be my butt - that would slow my feet down, so I could take my time moving from one thing/person to the next. But in the meantime my heart would be lonely, my arms empty. The brain is out, no way could that be the center - , there's nothing worth holding on to up there. I'll be eternally dissatisfied and left again with empty arms. Empty arms are clearly the worst thing I can imagine.

Well then you say make the center the center, eh? And so biology kicked in - I thought of stomachs, livers and kidneys - all the wonderful organs of my abdominal cavity and the biologist in me thought about binge drinking. Alcohol goes from your stomach into your liver which detoxifies it. It also fucks with your kidneys, reducing water reabsorption and sending you to the bathroom. Not a pleasant thought. Nope, nope not my idea of a center.

Of course the center could always be one's ephemeral soul. But who knows where the hell that's located.

Then maybe God is supposed to be my center but since He's everywhere could He just be a stabilizing weight over my entire body, slowing everything down? Maybe allowing me to savor whatever it is that I do have in my arms and preventing my impulsive feet from simply giving up and dashing to the next target? Is it that I need to be more patient, take life slower? Perhaps. But its so hard when you know what you want and have wanted it for so long and then catch a glimpse of the possibility of its existence. How could you not jump at it? Except if you jump too soon, push too hard, become too attached and make it known you'll frighten it away and be condemned to spin forever.

Someone hold on to me. Someone stop me from spinning. Please.

2006-11-15T00:16:00.000-05:00

Tired... seems to be my default state of existence these days. Its either I oversleep (which I have been the past couple of days) and then still wake up tired, wanting more sleep, or I don't sleep at all (which is likely to happen tonight) and end up with the same result.

Today has been semi-productive I suppose, but there is always so much more to do that no matter how much I happen to get done, its never enough. I'm so tired that not even the thought of you can make me smile right now.

Its a kind of tiredness ... que me roba la sonrisa, el amanecer.
My smile. My sunrise.

Nobody should take that away - isn't that what you said?

Its like magic ...

2006-11-13T01:33:00.002-05:00

Its pretty sad how much I had forgotten many of the simple pleasures of life.

I talked alot tonight. Alot more than I usually do. But it was good. Talking to J and Di helped me verbalize all that I've been going through these past couple of months. While I still feel like she doesn't truly understand where I'm coming from, that's ok - because I don't even know if I know where I'm coming from.

I've been plagued with so much excessive laziness recently - complete lack of motivation and given to sleeping nine to ten hours at night as well as naps at odd hours of the day.

Talking to J was ... amazing. There's just so much that I've been missing without realizing it. Shooting the breeze even when there's work to do just because. Because talking is important too. Listening is important. Getting to know is important. And I never realize how much I missed that since leaving home simply because I've never had it here. But tonight was different; I think I made two new true friends. That's all I need to think of it as right now. Otherwise I'll just complicate the situation yet again, like I always do. Its going to be really difficult, but this is one situation I really, really don't want to complicate.

So I will continue to ignore differences and instead cling to commonalities - the laughter, the sharing of random thoughts that spring to the mind, gently mixed in with the sharing of those things that are closest to our hearts. The mutual tiredness, the smiles. Oh! The smiles are priceless.

Maybe I don't hate people as much as I think I do.

2006-11-07T12:24:00.000-05:00

"Its like listening to someone smile..."

...Who are you?

2006-10-27T04:32:00.000-04:00

"But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison."

-James 3:8

WORD...

2006-10-04T07:30:00.000-04:00

My friend Saena once said: "Sometimes I think the devil is talking to me "

Y'know what?
Me too.

But then that's his job. Mine is to listen for "that still small voice"

Thank you Jesus.

Litany

2006-05-17T20:48:00.000-04:00

I hold the splendid daylight in my hands
Inwardly grateful for a lovely day.
Thank you life.
Daylight like a fine fan spread from my hands,
Daylight like scarlet poinsettias.
Daylight like yellow cassia flowers
Daylight like clean water
Daylight like green cacti
Daylight like sea sparkling with white horses
Daylight like sunstrained blue sky
Daylight like tropic hills
Daylight like a sacrament in my hands.
Amen

~George Campbell

2006-05-14T00:22:00.000-04:00

Let it flow through you
Washing
Purging
The old Hamilton
Its ivory keys dancing
Trickling melodies like clean water
Sing
Sway
Close your eyes
Drift away

Dreaming of a better place...

2005-10-10T22:09:00.000-04:00

I want to exist in a solitary place. A place that is warm and safe and where it is always night. This is the world that I dream of - one devoid of everything except me. This is the heaven I yearn for, yet somehow, it is also the hell in which I live.

2005-10-07T00:52:00.000-04:00

I dream about my chidren
I don't know how many - the number changes every time
I know the kind of mother I want to be to them
The kind I never had
The kind I still wish I'd had
The kind I refuse to give up hope of someday having

I see them - as jewels,
Blessings.
Nothing more precious
than new life with
boundless energy and
spotless innocence.
Unspoilt
Impressionable

I see my responsibility
And the one who shares it with me
Partners for life
Best friends always
Each the second priority in the other's life
Acknowledging the ONE who brought us together and
Gave us this love, these new lives
To sweeten our existence
And clothe our brokenness

I see you all, all of you
But your faces are dim
Blurred by the receding rays
Of the dusk
As the sun takes a bow
And spreads its orange fire over the horizon

I see you in the sunset
Calling me
My soul responds and I give in
Letting myself fly with you
An apparition
A play of light on leaves
Gone
To sleep with angels

2005-09-23T01:18:00.000-04:00

Yo soy así

And is this the end?

2005-08-13T01:44:00.000-04:00

The party had to end sometime
Whether its raucously drunk at 1am
Or incredibly smooth at 1pm
The question still lingers
Will it ever be the same?
And the answer is always no
Good times are forgotten
People move on
And the special moments we once shared
Are archived
Never to be brought up again
Will awkwardness replace the easy camaraderie of the past two months?
Will we avert our eyes instead of making faces at each other?
Will forced shared tables at the Ratty
Replace rowdy nights at good restaurants?
What more is there for us?

Barely an inch

2005-05-12T21:09:00.000-04:00

Hurray for awkward moments between friends!

mmm ... I'll miss you John B.

In the end, only kindness matters

2005-05-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be, we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters

- Jewel "Hands"

Lunch is ... on you

2005-05-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

Cheesecake Factory check total = $374.19

Feels good to sponge off Brown once in a while. After all, they never hesitate about taking my money.

So stuffed right now. Entering food coma ...

War on Terror

2005-04-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

Who would have known that when the phone rang
That Sunday afternoon
Things would be different

You're off again
To fight the white man's war
To fight for something that means nothing to you
What if you never come back
Why must it be you?

I call my mother
Tell her I'm crying for you
She says what she always says
Pray

That one day I might see you again
Whole
Pray for your body
But more importantly
Pray for your soul
Which is the only reason we were ever apart

The only thing that has kept me from
The only man that ever truly understood me
The one with whom I've shared years of tears and heartbreak
And laughter and misunderstanding
And love
Always, there was love
Through the lies there was love
Through the pain, the separation
Love, love
Love

I've never needed to be more that what I am
Who I am
For you

But the memories have been locked away
Taken out only at a time like this
Feelings allowed to surface only when I hear your voice say my name
When I spend hours talking to you about nothing
Yet talking to you about everything

Even the silence is comfort
Holding tight to the fragile connection,
The last one we may ever have
The silence is filled with understanding
Communicating what words never could
Saying I love you in a way I can do only after you've hung up

So you're off fighting a battle that is not yours
And I cry for you
Because I know that I'll be thinking about you
Counting the days until I hear your voice on the line again
My first love

Be brave
Be safe
And come back to me
Whole

Good works won't do it ...

2005-03-14T08:38:00.001-05:00

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NKJV)

I do not frustrate the grace if God, for if righteousness comes by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Galatians 2:21 (KJV)

Tuesday 1-5

2005-03-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

Everytime I walk those hospital corridors and I'm healthy, it is more than enough to give thanks for.

Average white boy

2005-03-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

It hurts me when you say ...
"I statements"
I thought we'd both learnt that
So what if you're a white boy from the South
Why is that your disclaimer
in every conversation?

Crawl out of your skin for a moment
Don't assume that white is the first thing I see when I look at you
Because it isn't
Asshole is

Does what you are affect our relationship?
Yes. But only because you let it
By reminding me over and over again
That you are familiar with privelege in a way
That I'm familiar with poverty
You with having like
Me with needing

Sometimes I wish I could have what you've had
You know, trade places for a minute
That's usually around the same time when I wish that
Working 20 hours in this new Babylon didn't earn me more
Than my mother, working 168 in the Babylon I left behind

Sometimes I wish you would try to understand
That I could make your dumb ass understand
But most of the time I wish you'd just fuck off
And let me and my demons be

I hear wedding bells in the distance ...

2005-02-27T00:02:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Tim and Liz!! :-D

Well whaddaya know??

2005-02-22T09:53:00.000-05:00

Sinking

2005-02-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

Once again I find myself in that pit which is becoming increasingly familiar. The same one where night melts into day and creates one big blah existence and my body cries for sleep, not because it needs rest, but for self preservation. Defending itself by shutting out the world, because it knows that safety lies only in the gentle cuddle of sleep. In its embrace there is nothing to worry about. No grades or med schools or parents or friends, nada, nadie. Every thing in this world must enter by my invitation. And nothing will be invited.

Mmmhm ...

2005-02-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

Dip it low
Pick it up slow
Roll it all around
Poke it out like your back broke
Pop, pop, pop that thing
I'ma show you how to make your man say
"Whoah!"

Christina Milian - "Dip it Low"

Sooo frikkin sexy ... :-s

Temp job

2005-02-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

Hello, I'm calling from the Center for Public Policy at Brown University . . .

...just shoot me ...

Couch Talk

2005-02-07T23:57:00.000-05:00

This is one of those times when
I wonder why you do it
No, why you really do it
When transference and countertransference
Do cartwheels and spins and turns
Lightly holding each other's hands
Waltzing towards certain death

As professionals we objectively identify the process
As human beings we cannot control it
Because our bruised bloodied souls want to share all
To build a sanctuary that deception can never invade
To heal the hurt before it can be hidden
To stop the pain before it is born

Trivialities such as time
And space
Are unbridgable chasms
Voids, yet solid wedges between us
Demanding propriety
And affirming the irreconciliable nature of our social positions

But then there is that thing
Elusive, ephemeral
That makes you the only person on earth I feel safe with
The only one I want to hear the truth from
That thing
That makes me wish we were talking about us
And not them
That thing
That causes the tears to sting my eyes
Everytime you're there for me
And makes me despise the words "thank you"
For not ever being enough

Death, as I see it

2005-02-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

The ultimate self destruction is isolating yourself from your friends
Consistently, repeatedly, until you no longer have any
That's suicide if I've ever heard of it.
It's strange how I look on objectively and call it out for what it is
When I myself, am being held firmly in its embrace
An embrace which is perpetually tightening into a vise-like grip
Signaling a sure demise

2005-01-11T23:01:00.000-05:00

And so I said yes to a new beginning.

Happy New Year!!

2005-01-01T22:53:00.000-05:00

One more year begins with my eyes lifted towards the stars above me, friends and family all around. One more year begins at home. And that is more than enough to be thankful for. Watchnight service, Alpha, Jerk Jam, Boston beach, Jerk ... nuff nuff jerk!! Need to convince my big head brother to take me to Winnifred - because what would vacation be without that???Then my days consist of planning what to cook for dinner and then salivating all day thinking about it. And then at night ... I dream.

Dreams have become a big part of my nightly sweet slumber. And do I have a lot to dream of. And to think about. Decisions to be made. For once I’m trying to get it right from the start. Think it through, keep emotion out of the picture for awhile. There’ll be time enough for that later. And even this dreaming, this imagining, this sweet supposing is wrong. Has to be wrong, for all the pleasure it gives. This time I don’t want to do it my way. That way has failed so many times, leaving only loneliness, regret and cynicism in its wake. This time I want to listen to that other voice. The one that’s both inside of me and outside of me, the one that’s always with me, the one that knows and wants what’s best for me. The one that’s so easy to disobey. This time I want to get it right. Because somehow, something tells me this is one of those times when its really going to matter.

What I want ...

2004-12-18T01:23:00.000-05:00

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

-Beautiful Soul
Jesse McCartney

Open arms

2004-12-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

Someday when you open your arms to me
There'll be nothing to consider
No ethical code
No hierarchy
No paycheck

Thank you for being a true friend
Thank you for taking care of me when
I should be the one taking care of you
Thanks for the laughter
The shared understanding
And most of all the shared faith
That reminds me that I'm not alone in this

It's an amazing experience spending time with you
Every moment is precious, none wasted
Because one sweet day
When you open your arms
Like you always do
I'll lean into your embrace
Like I always do
But this time
I won't be holding my breath till you let me go
This time I'll stay there

360

2004-12-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

Starting over is never easy
If by starting over you mean more than
Crawling under the turnstile bar
Only to find that there's another bar
And another
Keeping you in
While giving the illusion of progress
Going around
and around
and around

Each time you see disaster coming as if for the first time
An outer body experience of looking into your mind
Watching your own thought processes from the outside
Observing
Internalizing
Each time recognizing the trap up ahead
And planning-to-try-to avoid it
But planning-to-try-to has never got you anywhere
Now has it?

The inward fear grows, that there is nothing else
Outside of these 360 degrees of alternating bars
No escape
All there is this turnstile
Your revolving prison
The dawning realization
Causes you to push forward with even more urgency
Clinging to the illusion of change
Because it is all you have
And even the illusion is temporary
Because eventually the turnstile will click
And lock

Its called marriage
And you pray God you'd have made it out by then.

Filthy Lucre

2004-12-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

It's always the problem isn't it? Having too little of it leaves you hungry and cold and homeless. Having just enough leaves you continually craving. And having too much? Well, I don't know that does to you, seeing as I've never been there and am not entirely sure I want to be ...

2004-12-02T21:35:00.001-05:00

Where are the words
To relieve the outward pressure against the walls of my chest
To tell you that little bit more that I always wished I could
What I feel about you
And why I do
And why those very feelings make me want to
Change who you are,
No - what you are

The urge to release my anger and tell you how much your secret has hurt me
battles with the need to cover your lips with mine to prevent you from ever saying the words
And yet why I am in constant fear that one day you will tell me
And I won't know what to say
And all that I've absorbed will be for nought

Because in the end my job description doesn't say shit about who I am
At heart I believe every word of that Book of Life
Literally

Don't make me ashamed of that
I have as much right to believe as you have not to
Give me my right and allow me to give you yours
Because if He's not real
Then nothing else is either

All for you

2004-11-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

You want to know what it is? Do you really?

It is that you care way too much about everything.
It is that you give off mixed signals everytime I'm around you.
It is that sometimes I feel like I know you well and sometimes not at all.
It is that the not-at-all times are becoming way too frequent.
It is that I really don't know what your place is in my life and neither do I have a place in yours.
It is that you confuse me.
It is that there is no emotion within me that you've left untouched - anger, jealousy, resentment, pity, passion, love.
It is that I wish that you knew that I knew your secret.
It is that deep inside I know I'm alot like you.

It is that I just can't take it anymore.

Jammin'

2004-11-18T20:55:00.000-05:00

My latest "make sure the door is locked-pump up the volume-break it down" tune .....

Hey Mama by Black Eyed Peas

...guh deh gyal!!! =D

untitled

2004-11-14T13:22:00.000-05:00

Whisper not of loneliness
When time has passed you by.
Be graceful with your weeping
As the sea with raging tide.
I am an empty shell
Washed away into the sea.
Stones and pebbles scattered;
Broken pieces
Just like me.
This garden I have planted
With a handful of seeds.
Growing or dying
Wildflowers or Weeds?

-Daphne Sullivan

... another one bites the dust ...

I hope you find happiness

2004-11-14T13:17:00.000-05:00

Another turning point, another friend that I must let go of, give my blessing to, wish them all the happiness that they deserve. All the time wondering if and when my turn will come. Is there something I should be doing? Or should I just sit with hands folded in my lap, eyes gazing heavenwards, perpetually patient, waiting? Waiting for perfection that will never come. Should I haggle? Must I settle? Will I ever be desperate enough to?

New beginnings ...

2004-11-14T02:31:00.000-05:00

... are wonderful but scary. Refreshing but tinged with a sense of inevitable doom. Like my computer. Today it's been purged and is sharp and quick to respond. But this reminds me of its vulnerability, and there's a sense of just waiting for the crash thats sure to come again.

***

I finally accepted that I'll never be able to understand you. Having been friends with you for so long, at times I think I can see right through you when, in truth I'm blind to whatever it is you've been trying to tell me all these years. We've allowed one insignificant fact to fester and now it itches and nags away at both of us. But now its time to deal with what I feel the way I know how. The way that I know works for me. The way that doesn't include you.

***

And you, you are gone. We were too perfect. Way too perfect. I regret hurting you but rejoice in the fact that I gave myself room to grow. To learn more about who I am and what I want. After a year I finally realize that my actions were not reversible, that I couldn't possibly take the words back. Or even if I could have, that the hurt would have stayed with you. With you and me both.

***

Most of the world recognizes the impending change. Last night was the first snowfall. The trees attending autumn's funeral have already shed their red and gold tears. Now the chill has come and only the worthy will survive. Moments worth holding on to will be frozen into memory and stored forever while the emotional dust and grime, the scuff marks of past experiences, will be washed off to mix with the brown slush on the side of the road.

At home in Jamaica there is sweet bliss. Oblivious to the change that has come, there is constancy - warmth and beauty await me everytime I return. It offers reprieve and stability. It elicits faithfulness, trust, shared intimacy, and everything else which Providence has yet to extract from my soul.

Fulfillment

2004-11-11T23:42:00.000-05:00

The sense of fulfillment one gets from being a counselor is simply unbelievable. And inexplicable. Unit 13, it's a blessing to be your MPC. No matter how rocky it gets, you guys make it worth it. As for my own MPC you were (and still are) Super Jaz.

And to JMH, keep it locked beansprout ;o)

Such a happy day ...

Peace out!

2004-11-11T01:50:00.000-05:00

Too much on my chest ....

Choking Hazard!!!

Friday Night Ritual

2004-10-22T21:16:00.000-04:00

Yup! Welcome to the loser's club ...

It is well

2004-10-08T21:46:00.000-04:00

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well
With my soul

All that I can say

2004-09-24T01:32:00.001-04:00

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

-Alison Krauss "When you say nothing at all"

2004-09-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

Brown eyes meet blue. And linger. For a fraction of a second too long.

I'd rather not know what happens next.

One of those nights...

2004-09-14T01:12:00.000-04:00

... when I should be doing anything but blogging. And also one of those nights when nothing but blogging will get done.

But like so many other times, my exhaustion outweighs my need to find the words. But I will find them sometime. Better sooner than later. Because making words out of the noise going on between my ears makes it shut up. For a while at least. And silence between my ears is always a good thing.

Uh oh ...

2004-08-20T18:34:00.000-04:00

"You know what's good for that ..." Uhhh ...

Reggae Gold Jamming. Random surprises. Laughter.

I am having fun at MPC training!!!

Ahh... there we go. Definitive statements :-D

... shoot!! This is therapeutic!!!

And so it begins ...

2004-08-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

... with a string of seemingly bad luck. Everything that could possibly go wrong today did. But strangely there was this sense of peace that made it all seem not so bad. And there were random, unexpected acts of kindness that just helped make it so much better. Hurray for res life ladies who offer diet cokes to thirsty, frustrated MPCs.

But seriously, I'm super psyched about MPCing. That's the only way to explain why I've been sucking up all this administrative bullshit without so much as a murmur. I really want to do this ... and do a darn good job too.

Prime bonding time with my fellow MPCs, this weekend is. But alas! There are certain realities like 7:30 am breakfast tomorrow and ... *ahem* appendicitis that we all must deal with. Which is why I'm off to la la land now...

I'm gonna miss you guys

2004-08-18T17:06:00.000-04:00

Claudius and Theronius .... you rock my world right now!! :-)

Summer days will soon be over...

2004-08-18T01:09:00.000-04:00

I let alot slip through my fingers this summer.

But I also managed to wrap my arms around alot and hold it close.

It's all over now

But it was good while it lasted.

Stop and shop
Newport and other random places in RI
The Judson House
Boiled chicken
Thunder and hail
"Superman"
Good times and laughter
More memories than I can recall in any single moment...

Oh! Waterfire ... yeah...

Guns and Roses

2004-08-16T22:06:00.000-04:00

I know exactly what we're not
But what are we is the real question
Friends?
We never were friends
Maybe that's been the problem
I'll keep an eye out for that next time

Next time
Next cycle
Next trap

Apart from you I've grown,
Become a better person,
One more worthy of you than I'd ever been.
For better or worse, I've changed.
I am no longer the person you knew and were so in love with.
Permanently altered by our time apart.
Hardened by trying to hold it together.
Tired of trying so hard, sick of restricting my freedom.

That was my mistake, not yours.
I'd made loving you incompatible with loving life.
I did the best I could
Beyond your expectation
But never beyond mine.
Never even reaching mine.
That's always the case, isn't it?
My expectations, forever out of reach.

VJ Day?!?!

2004-08-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

Oh come on!! How much more quirky can Rhode Island get?? How stupid is it to celebrate "victory over japan"?? So bitter - cuz I have to work today. Bummer.

Just for you Eric ...

2004-08-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

No need to make any more intelligent guesses. Myers-Brigg says INFJ to the core!!

Introverted (I) 74.29% Extroverted (E) 25.71%
Imaginative (N) 73.33% Realistic (S) 26.67%
Emotional (F) 59.52% Intellectual (T) 40.48%
Organized (J) 55.81% Easygoing (P) 44.19%

Your type is: INFJ

You are a Guide, possible professions include - career counselor, psychologist, educational consultant, special education teacher, librarian, artist, playwright, novelist/poet, editor/art director, information-graphics, designer, HRM manager, merchandise planner, environmental lawyer, marketer, job analyst, mental health counselor, dietitian/nutritionist, research, educational consultant, architects, interpreter/translator.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Saying goodbye sucks...

2004-08-05T09:22:00.000-04:00

... no matter how prepared you are for it. God bless you Brandi.

Laughter is medicine

2004-08-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

Good to have you back Claude.

Grrrr...

2004-08-03T13:23:00.000-04:00

Current pet peeve - Professor Diebold yakking away on the bagpipes during my lunch hour. Grrrrr....

My Heritage

2004-08-02T23:20:00.000-04:00

It is both sad and ironic that in you, at the core of your beings, I have found perfect models, images to keep in mind for the rest of my life. One image of the woman that I do not want to become and another of the man I do not want to marry.

BYE BYE DONKEY

2004-08-02T21:32:00.000-04:00

Its unbelievable how sad I felt as I watched them dethroning King Donkey today. My feelings about Brown spending ridiculous amounts of money to bring him here quickly went from anger and disbelief to a quiet aquiescence and even gratitude. As the months went by, Donkey grew to be my friend; a comforting, supportive presence on the side of the building where I spent half my life. Through reading period and finals and on my way to Orgo sacrifice at nine in the morning, he was there. And he never failed to cheer me up. I just had to look at him and I knew that things weren't as bad as they seemed. Time after time he reminded me, "What're you complaining about, huh? Are you the one whose ass is stuck in a rowboat?" As I shamefacedly shook my head no in answer, he would continue to rant, "Well, alrighty then - SUCK IT UP and move on!!"

You've taught me well donkey - suck it up I shall.

I'll miss you donkey and I hope they keep you safe on your way back to Italy.

Donkey in a Rowboat
Paola Pivi

P.S.: If I were an artist, I would paint you a Mrs. Donkey to stand by your side - you deserve it.

Its a cold cold world

2004-07-31T23:32:00.000-04:00

Started the Davinci Code this morning, topped it off with The talented Mr. Ripley tonight.

Mental disturbance is shared, albeit unequally, among all of us.

TrUtH
Welcome to Crazy World